from now on my penis is your penis
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
