gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Randomize
