I want you more than these girls want KFC
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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