We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize