First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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