there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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