my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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