you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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