I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize