OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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