That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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