apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize