The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
