Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Come see our sink grown plant.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
