U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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