Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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