hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
