Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just found a bag of teeth...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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