I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
