hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
