If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Welp...herpes.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
