i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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