there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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