Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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