Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
