Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
