just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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