sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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