Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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