Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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