I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
