i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
