there's paper in my vomit.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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