How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
