Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
