You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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