Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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