all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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