Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
