YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
