Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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