all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
