I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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