remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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