she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
