Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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