Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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