apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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