my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
