i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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