textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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