I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
