I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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