I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I wish you could order shots online.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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