I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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