I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
