I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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