I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
