Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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