i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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