gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
