Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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