So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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