was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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