@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
