I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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