I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
