I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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