I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
